🛒💧Tariffs, Tiers & Tears
The Budget Friendly Fortune Teller 🫰
Earlier this April, I took a road trip through the Midwest — a journey I romantically assumed would be paved with cheap gas, cheerful diners, and Greek cucumbers that cost just 38 cents.
Why Greek? Because I do not discriminate!
But seriously. Coffee? Same price. Chips? Same price. Veggies? You guessed it — same price as New York City!
The Midwest is no longer cheap like bacon, it has become the new Manhattan.
Welcome To Latte-Capitalism 🤑
A subject my wife habitually philosophizes each time while boiling my favorite spicy lobsters is why everything is becoming so expensive.
And let it be known, this elegant meal is a once in a blue moon occasion. We are not always fancy folk.
But the point is, tariffs are now chomping through the heartland of corn and casserole — aka America.
And while over here at Turkish Coffee Room in the East Village, I have been doing everything in my power to keep things “grounded” for all of my guests.
Both financially and spiritually.
Because from 2021 to 2025, I’ve raised my price exactly once — from $49 to $59. That’s it. And lately, I’ve actually been flirting with the wild idea of… lowering it, but in a very unusual way.
And don’t worry, I am not gonna “rawdog” the tariffs.
That’d be like, really wrong.
From Windows 95 to Nirvana (Not The Band) 😇
Earlier today, I read a very compelling memo fired from the ambient music wizard himself Brian Eno, to the Microsoft corporation (yes btw, the Brian Eno whose brother I made a fool in front last year with an untimely coffee invitation — apologies again Roger).
Brian basically says here: “If we want real change, we have to start within our own means. Our own sphere.”
I agree.
And while I am not a corporation with a Scrooge McDuck cash pool, I am a globally renowned psychic with a copper pot and a moral compass. I frequently sleep sound at night.
I have no investors. No posh boardroom meetings full of caviar (ok, but maybe the occasional lobster).
And certainly, no benefactors judging me for using AI to help improve my SEO game.
I respectfully leave that obligation to you — my near and dear customer.
Devil’s Greed 😈
During this Midwestern roadtrip, I caught up with a close (and wealthy) friend. Upon his recommendation, I implemented tiered ticketing — regular, deluxe, VIP etc. on my booking platform of TicketTailor.
It felt a little classist at first, but I decided to experiment. Because hey, I want lobster every night too.
And surprisingly — it worked. My monthly sales went up. So when presented with the choice, people merrily opted to elevate their experience with an evil eye bracelet and what have you.
Who am I to deny that?
All the while, it is important to note that I still give money away during ceremonies. I genuinely believe the monetary benevolence that initially trickles into the collective economy, always returns back to the owner’s pocket!
Case in point, the first-time guest who arrived this weekend, because allegedly, I funded her friend $25 towards their next vacation.
Yes, during their coffee fortune reading.
Do I remember? No.
But good deeds shouldn’t be performed for bolstering self-pride anyways. So, I’m cool with not remembering every handout.
Like, be good even when no one is watching. Otherwise, you’ll be the devil.
The Home Of Affordable Fortune Readings 🌎
Lastly, while I did not vote Trump or his tariffs into office, I’d still welcome the man himself for a coffee ceremony.
I would of course read his cup with kindness. Maybe even some sass. But absolutely charge him the premium tier to give him a taste of his own medicine!
Because here’s the thing: we don’t need to live in extremes. Democrat or Republican, if we find the sweet spot in terms of our differences, then I truly believe everyone wins.
And that is the entire point of Turkish Coffee Room. Turkish and Greek cucumbers coexisting without prejudice. And how a room full of rowdy, but budget conscious Americans, can have their fortunes told in a shared setting that promotes laughter, tears, and generosity — like the stars of our national flag.
Let us unite without destroying our wallets.
—Dr. Honeybrew 🐝
Your neighborhood fortune teller, spiritual anarchist, and part-time economist
TL;DR: The Recap (for the economically overstimulated)
🚗 Took a Midwest road trip — everything costs the same as NYC.
💵 From 2021–2025, only one price hike: $49 → $59.
🤯 Considering a price drop (yes, seriously).
🧠 Inspired by Brian Eno’s memo: real change starts small.
📉 No investors. No shareholders. Just me and my sand.
🎟️ Tried VIP ticket tiers — felt icky, but sales went up.
🫶 Still give away money during fortune reading ceremonies.
😅 Would welcome Trump — at the premium tier, of course.
🍯 We can’t fix the economy, but we can make it generous.
