What’s It Like To Be On Judge Steve Harvey?

The dream of every young American boy is to appear on television. And I did it. Gee golly hot dang. It is September 12th of 2022 — and I am on the set of “The Judge Steve Harvey Show”, about to go live in front of 35 million folks across the United States of America. And I am crumbling, like a tear soaked origami.

So what does Dr. Honeybrew do? Scoop a handful of Celexas, pop’em in his trap, and leap into the mouth of the spotlight. Oh yea! Bring it on. For the next hour, I am flying high in a funky rollercoaster ride through the heart of America with Steve Harvey as my personal tour guide and conductor.

You would never know, but I was high as a kite during my taping. My heart was broken and confused. As a a result, self-medication seemed the only way out. And boy oh boy, I am glad I ate those pills like lozenges. Otherwise, it would have been a true disaster.

Strangely, appearing on a television show not only expanded my understanding of America, but it also made me become more American, healing my wounds in the process. On my passport it now states “Blessed by Steve Harvey”, which I am indeed hella thankful for.

But hey, this country is a circus. And I’m here for it. Our love for fabricated drama, celebrity culture, and — wait for it — hypocritical displays of histrionics over constant and unremitting noise of nonsensical matters, is what makes us, collectively, such a bizarre but beautiful form of species. We are Americans. Dum, duh, dum dum.

Partaking in a media television show (how American) is an experience that every US citizen should privilege. Between a million dollars and this, I would choose this. I hope every American gets to be on TV so they can smell the smoke and mirror for themselves. Trust me when I say that your nose is stronger than your ears.   

But if you thought appearing on a court house TV show was a cakewalk, no sir-eee. The entire process — 1.5 years in the making — was more an intergalactic NASA mission into outer space than a doughnut run. Roughly, 8 hours of interrogation and interviewing were conducted in the course of a half year before my flight to Atlanta, Georgia was booked.

Along the way, plenty fact checking and time-line corroborating took place. On one occasion, I calmed an irate producer for alleging both Gene and I in attempt to forge our way into the show.

But all of the facts lined up, and the golden ticket was summoned like drops of Jupiter.

To be crystal clear, the possibility of what you see in these reailty TV shows as being fake, phony, or made up — is utter balderdash. I can’t stress the time and energy these producers spend ensuring that all cases are 100% legitimate. It really blew my socks off to witness their regimented process, and I don’t even wear socks. So kudos to the producers.

Ironically, the tenuousness of my mental condition did not purport me the prime cut choice. I was a big liability. But somehow, I put on a face, swallowed my drugs, and pretended everything was fine. Which admittedly, is also a very American thing to do.

ABC granted a pill popping psychic weasel to enter through their iron gates, and Jesus oh Mighty, if this can be achieved, then USA truly is the land of possibilities. I kiss thy ground.

Much of 2022 was a struggle for myself in accepting where life was taking me, as I held fervently onto a past version of myself. I think appearing on “The Judge Steve Harvey” show was my cure.

Doing this show was a major turning point in my life — it was the ultimate test. If I can survive this freak show with my bandaged brain still intact, then anything can be achieved. Even a year after the taping, I feel the same way.

Steve’s pearly whites really did a number on me. I was supposed to read his fortune, but we didn’t have time. He didn’t eat my Turkish Delights.

One of my favorite parts, which you won’t see on TV, is when Steve gave us the final verdict. He serenaded all in the courtroom with a standing ovation worthy 8 minute monologue about the life lessons to be extracted from our tale. It was genuinely brilliant and inspirational. Like a personal pan pizza version of a TED talk.

Once he wrapped it up, he spun on his chair, telling jury members that he will now truncate his words down to 20 seconds. He did so with such masterful ease, that for a moment, I actually sobered up.

I know there will be other TV opportunities for me. Just last week, I was interviewed on Michelle Park’s show on NBC’s New York Live (Michelle herself a regular on Steve Harvey’s former talk show) and it went bloody fantastic. Placing unrealistic expectations on big life moments can create toxic anticipation. And this time, it wasn’t the case. I really hit that one out of the ball park.

Lastly… am I OK? Abso-fucking-lutely. I can’t wait for the episode to air. I did something crazy that only a few Americans will do in their life time. “The Judge Steve Harvey Show” was my crossroads moment. Steve Harvey was the devil and I was Robert Johnson. And Gene, I guess was the guitar. If you look closely into my pupils, you will see it.

Thank you again Gene & Steve.